Scabenga: jokes

Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Weed Reporting - Funny Video

I found this video and i must say it is one of the funniest videos and the reason for this is it is real and unplanned. Have a look and let me know your thoughts below

Scabenga Style

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to Sydney .

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

“Now, let your mother explain that to you.”!!!

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!! "
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !

Toilet Cleaning

This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you!

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom...

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9.. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Yours Sincerely

THE DOG

DANGERS OF GOLF

A men’s foursome was waiting at the tee while a women’s foursome was driving from the ladies' tee.
The ladies were taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over, played her second shot and missed it completely.
Then she shanked it another ten feet and finally topped it five feet onto the cart path.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically;

I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.

One of the men responded; "Well, there you have it! You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

According to eye witnesses, he never even had a chance to duck.

Using your common sense to achieve!

A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!'

Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

Diary of an Englishman in Kariba

August 1

Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Chawara , Northern Kariba .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 1

Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in London !!

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus.... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

Little Sipho

Young Sipho goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking.

He puts his hands in the flour and covers his head with it.

He says: "Look mamma, I am a white boy!"

His mother slaps him hard on the face and says: "Sipho, go show your dad what you've done!!"

So he does, and his dad slaps him too.

His granny happens to be right next to his dad and she slaps him vehemently in disgust.

Then Sipho's mom says: "Did you learn something from all this?

The poor little Sipho shakes his head, crying and says:

"I did. I've only been a white boy for 5 minutes and I'm already scared of you blacks!"

The Harley Biker

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer,
an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

My wife was cooking breakfast this morning as my 4 year old daughter and I were at the kitchen table.
"Daddy", she asked pointing to the stove, "Where do we get bacon from?"
"Well poppet", I replied, "We get it from a pig."
"Wow", said my awestruck little girl. "What else do we get from the pig"
"A cup of tea and two rounds of toast if she fucking knows what's good for her", I answered as the wife sobbed over the frying pan.

How to explain "the birds and the bees" to kids

This Just Pisses Me Off

Another selfish athlete...

this is the kind of crap that just pisses you off

Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.
Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open last year.
But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.
"This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said. "The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."
"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she added.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THATWINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!

THIS SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH "WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!

WHAT ABOUT US - THE HARD-WORKINGEVERYDAY FAN?

34DD?

PEOPLE PAY TOP MONEY FOR JUGS LIKE THAT!
AND MANY OF US PAY TO SEE THEM.

AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS TO HAVE THEM REDUCED?

PISSES ME OFF. SELFISH ATHLETE THAT SHE IS...